There is some stuff you’re absolutely supposed to experience in high school or college at the latest.

get beat up by other guys
have a woman destroy you
fight those guys back
have a woman love you
have your pants fall off during a speech

No one tells you this though. It’s supposed to just happen. You’re supposed to just know like you had ESP or heard voices from the heavens.

I had only one of those things. I had “fight those guys back” A couple of times guys, as guys are wont to do to other guys, tried picking fights with me. My tactic, being the fat little Bobby Hill I was back then, was to get right in their faces and act fucking crazy. Normal people will almost always back down from a fight if they think you might be crazy. Crazy people will fight to the burger and no one with a sense of self-preservation wants to be in that situation.

I still haven’t gotten beaten up.

The rest of that stuff though. I was hiding. It would have been nice if someone had said, “Dude, just get it over with. You’ll really reget it if you don’t.” But no. No one ever mentions the really obvious life lessons they only tell you about college and careers and health and how to use a condom. Who the fuck can’t figure out how to use a condom? Who’s putting them on their fingers or in the microwave?!

What there should be is warning stickers on everything when you’re young. Like the surgeon general warning on cigarettes.

“Caution? Fuck that! Get your ass kicked right now!”

“Hey man! She’s as frightened as you are!”

“Exercise your mind. Do something scary twice a day!”

Well, now I’ve gotten three of those things out of the way. I’ve lost so much weight in the past two weeks my pants will probably slide off easily by next week and then the circle will almost be complete.