Recently I was taking an order for a whole lot of drinks for an entire office. I heard the Iowa accent tinkling it’s happy little tune and it suddenly occurred to me that this idiot customer was going to ask for separate totals.
I don’t know why it is, what cultural feature of the midwest does it, but when you hear that accent it’s a good bet that sonofabitch is going to ask for checks to be broken down by item, weight, and temperature and if you don’t do it right then you’ll get hell about what crappy service you’re giving on a six doallar order.
The thing is that I was exhausted and in a bad mood after a very very long and busy day of thousands of dollars of catering and I had a few hours more to look forward to. There was no joy in my life at that moment of slavin’ for The Man.
What was in my head just kind of leaked out, “You’re going to ask for separate totals, aren’t you?” It should be noted that I did not say this with the expected customer service enthusiasm. What leaked out of my head was pure, unadulterated, derision.
The happy Iowa accented customer responded, “Yes. I am. I’m sorry.” Then she laughed that silly embarassed laugh that still manages to say “fuck you” at the same time.
My reply to her reply was more curt than I’ve ever managed before in similar situations, “Well, you should be sorry.”
I know from an intellectual, business perspective, way that response was totally unacceptable. However, on an emotional level I was perfectly justified and I’m kind of proud of saying it.
The only reason people ask for separate checks is because they are cheap untrustful scumbags. People ask for separate checks when they think the people they’re eating with are going to try to screw them out of a few pennies. This characteristic might make for a good accountant. It makes for terrible companions though.
People need to be told that they’re miserable wastes of life sometimes. If you can’t trust the people you work with 8 or 10 hours a day, every weekday, much less the people you’re going to do such an intimate life affirming act as eating with, then you might as well put a bullet in your head as you are completely worthless.
And if you are so worried that you might accenidently overpay by a quarter that you have to announce to the universe that you’re a miserable untrustworthy bastard, then you should definitely put a bullet in your head and save a disgruntled service sector employee the jail time he did not deserve when he ended that parasitic life you’ve lead.
Oh, Lord Jesus! I hate those people so much! SMITE THEM JESUS! FUCKING SMITE THEM AND THEIR PENNY PINCHING WAYS! DISPATCH THEM WITH THEIR OWN LACK OF TRUST! DROP THEM INTO A DARK RUNG OF HELL WHERE THEY’LL TEAR AT EACH OTHER FOR ALL TIME OVER A CHECK AS LONG AS A MILE WHILE DEMONS LAUGH AND KEEP ADDING SERVICE CHARGES THEY CAN NEVER DISPUTE!
This, oh great and wonderous father in heaven with your silky white thighs and supple shaven chest, I beg of you.