It’s so freaking weird being in this place that I am now with Natalie, the mutual recrimination, the hateful tone, the miserable glares, the audible jibes, and then remembering times only a year or two ago. Which, in the grand scheme of things isn’t very long. Happy giddy moments. Very odd.

My how a few months changes everything. It’s still tough to get my head around. There’s this montrous dichotomy between various parts of my mind and everytime I’m exposed to that incongruity something in my head snaps and I’m instantly angry again.

So very strange and so very unwanted and here I am again with twisted up guts pounding furiously on my keyboard drinking coffee again after I was so sure last week that it was all over and I was done and it was going to be great!

[note: I wonder how the Thinkpads will hold up under the new company because under IBM these fucking keyboards were the greatest ever. I should have put thrust my fingers through this fucking thing by now and yet here I am pounding away with nary a key problem in sight.]

This happened today because I had to giver her back the few remaining things of hers I had or no longer wanted around, a book, a CD, a picture of her cat that she gave me as a house warming gift and that I figured would make her happier than it would me when I found it in a box in ten years and thought, “Huh. I still have this? I wonder what the hell happened to her? I should do an Internet search.”

As I thought that thought, the interface implant would send out my query to the Global Mind which would have her tracked down before the thought even fully registered.

Then there would be that internal awkward and uncomfortable feeling where you’re curious about that lost connection but don’t want to look like a freak for being curious.

What will be great is when the Global Mind has already done the research for you and told you all the options and history since everything of public record will be available to everyone at an instant.

Work history, family history, hobbies, and published writings/speakings in the Mind will be categorized by date and subject with metalinks to all relevant information including current physical geolocation (latitude and longitude), all relevant contact info, health status, and the five most recent purchases.

That will be a grand day as it will make that pointless and yet somehow weighty decision to try to reconnect with someone you long ago had forgotten about much quicker since you won’t even have to type anymore. You’ll just think “connect” and there she’ll be, large as life in your mind.

It’s either that or the weird memory popping into your head while you’re simultaneously battling with a beaten up picture of a cat in a cat picture frame and being torn apart by the mutants stemming from the bactieriological/radiological attacks after the collapse of the world economy when the Chinese get pissy about holding onto the all that US national debt and the Russian wake up and decide they’d really like to be an Empire again. France won’t have any of that and they’ll unleash their secret weapon. Which will make the Chinese unleash theirs and the US will preemptively attack all of them with nuclear weapons in the vain hope that they’ll stop the apocalypso.

Whatever happens I was hoping to avoid that moment in my life so the cat picture frame holding a picture of The Bear went back. What we’ll do to avoid a little pain.

[note: It's what Harry Belafonte will sing at that moment, the apocalypso, and what would be better for the apocalype than a little happy calypso music?]

[note to that note: I was curious to see if apocalypso was on the web and Google returned 46K hits. It's always great when you get a thought and you think it might be original but it turns out thousands upon thousands (a kind of thousands orgy) have had it before you. Bloody annoying.]

[note: Since I was mentioned The Bear I figured I'd toss out a picture just so the idea of what I was talking about was there.

It should be noted that you have to get REALLY close to get that picture with the wide angle lens on my camera phone. Hence the shitty quality but I really like the compostion so there you go.]

[note: Here's a little haiku about that moment when I dropped that remains of our life together off.

Captain head butts hi
I hold him, pet him, he purrs
Goodbye orange friend

It's sad but that big orange cat is one of the aspects of my life with her that I'll miss greatly. I never thought I'd ever care that much about an animal. Guess I never really understood anything about myself until a few weeks ago. Which is pretty damn sad in and of itself.]