I’m really getting sick of my constant picking apart of my psyche. Everyday it’s a brand new revelation to shock and amaze me!

A few weeks ago I committed to helping shoot a feature length movie and got myself nominated as DP and a de facto AD (Director of Photography and Assistant Director for those of you who don’t know the silly movie crew lingo).

Lately we’ve been doing the pre-production thing with all the planning and scheduling and detail oriented non-fun bullshit that you have to do to get anywhere near the point where you’re actually shooting something on location.

What I noticed was that I am one seriously nitpicky asshole concerned about process. At one point I discoursed on the proper formatting of a script and why doing a traditional breakdown of the script was a really good thing.

I’ve been quite adament about prodcedure and process and that’s not really surprising if you knew me and what I’ve done as jobs over the years.

I’m all about making order from chaos. I live for it, I’m great at it, and I can’f fucking stop trying to reorder the processes of the universe in my own image.

Okay, that’s fine and it works sometimes, it’s useful sometimes, sometimes it’s annoying and people tell me to shut up and then I sit down and have a little dip.

Once I really saw how much of a nitpicky asshole I am, I realized that I used to make fun of the-moved-on-one (mentioned often in previous posts) about nearly the same thing. She had a need to order and control her little universe, I have the same thing in a different manifestation.

I really felt like an asshole at the moment when I made that connection sitting in the movie production meeting remembering her perfectly ordered refrigerator and seeing me from above, almost and out of body experience, surrounded by people looking at me like a crazy man, demanding that we follow the rules! Needing to order their world and their processes the way I want them to be ordered. We have to plan, process is important!

A good case could be made that my crazy notions were right and good and proper and that’s the way it should be. But the case I was making was coming from MY need to order not any inherent goodness and benefit to the production.

Hell, I even spent a few hours reformatting a script just to make it conform to the “proper” way which is exactly what she used to do and I used to ridicule her for.

You always hate the most in others what you hate in yourself.

It will be nice one day to become to busy to think and become oblivious to my own mind. Maybe when I figure out how to score a few million dollars for an HD shoot of the chef/assassin buddy picture I’ve been mulling over. We’ve got to shoot in Mexico, Russia, an American city, maybe a few other locales, there are stunts, explosions, gun battles, cooking!, sex romance, destruction and renewal.

It would rock if I could actually finish the fucking script. I have what I consider a brilliant opening (unfortunately no one else thinks so but they can’t imagine the amazing shots on the screen in my head) and a few other themes…just can’t get them all connected yet. It’s a psychological drama of love and friendship I can’t seem to write. But I could shoot that fucker if I had the money. I think the money would give me the motivation. Anyone with a few million dollars out there who wants to support the arts?

Anyway, I long for bliss and ignorance and all that good stuff that comes from not looking into your mind every moment of the fucking day as that constant stream of revelation is leaving me with a sickening vertigo feeling all the time.