This is not a cheese ninja.

This is not a walnut encrusted hat.

This is not purloined purple passion.

This is not greasy fingered Japanese girls wearing crazy boots.

This is not red shoes on a Jesus look-a-like leaving the video store.

This is not an exit.

This is not a not an exit sign.

This is not a subtle homage to Sartre who was a fucking troll and who still got laid.

This is not a plea for saving the little babies.

This is not a cake as big as a kid’s pool on a hot summer day.

This is not an exercise in mental stretching.

This is not a fervent wish for total nuclear annihilation of old people who count single bills out loud on line at the supermarket, “ONE…TWO…THREE…what was it?…ONE………TWENTY-EIGHT…what was it?…”

This is not me photographing kittens who leave nose marks on my camera.

This is not a deep desire that that guy would get a tissue.

This is not a squeeze of lemon over eggplant and tahini.

This is not a mental exercise.

This is not the best damn chocolate I’ve ever had.

This is not a tofu based wet dream.

This is not a need for a nap in the back of my truck on a hot summer day in the desert.

This is not a puppet play about the travails of living in a complex geopolitical climate where idiots, children, and fatuous buffons demand minor victories to boost their egos.

This is not a squirrel.

This is not me looking at old scripts wondering if I should try again.

This is not a penguin apocalypse.

This is not car wash.

This is not the dirt holding my car together.

This is not your beautiful house.

This is not your beautiful wife.

This is not me wondering how I got here because, it’s all to obvious, that it was a whole lot of bad choices throughout the many years.

This is not my shoes covered in slop.

This is not me setting fire to a bar by accident while trying to light a scene properly.

This is not me watching Wes Anderson movies over and over and thinking, “Man, that motherfucker is a genius.”

This is not me watching Wes Anderson movies over and over and thinking, “Man, what I wouldn’t do to figure out how to get some cash for a real budget to do something interesting.”

This is not my pants falling off because I bought them before I lost weight.

This is not for employees only.

This is not a failed experiment.