In an offhad way, not at all really related to the email conversation, I got a little resolution to a failed relationship that really failed a year before I realized it was over. If you knew the details you wouldn’t blame me although every woman out there would have known the reality instantly and would be shaking their heads at the silliness of my doomed infatuation.
On pondering the situation over the past few months I was sure that was what had happened. I was sure that it had all ended in her head years before I was notified. Everything pointed to it but I couldn’t ask and it wouldn’t be told and so I just kind of accepted, a tacit weak acceptance for me to be honest, that I was just oblivious to reality.
Still, there was a weird kernel of a thought of a notion of a hint of a misread idea that I might have gotten it wrong. I was sure I was right and, in the context of trying to understand the universe and my place in it, I’m almost always right when I’m sure I’m right and I had no way of being sure about the sureity so I always felt uneasy because of a lack of resolution.
And now, a mere hour ago, an idle response to a happy birthday email proved my thought processes right. Yea for logical process vindication! Yea for a little resolution!
It’s better than nothing.
Resolution is a nice freeing moment. It’s a little bit of enlightenment, a little bit of freedom from the cares of the world, from the cares of your mind, you get to forget about the puzzle once it’s solved.
It’s a good day when that kind of thing happens.
Sure, I didn’t get to talk to the girl with the beautiful smile and forest green jacket but it’s all okay because a grain of sand has been removed from my gears.
Can I get more analogies, metaphors, and similies in there? Probably although I’d hate for my writing to suck more than it does up above.
No matter whether uneducated, sophisticated, intelligent, when it comes to relationships, everyone runs the same gamut of emotions, obsessive thoughts. Freedom from uncertainty, letting go unfetters the mind and heart. Its getting to that point is painful.
Knowing someone so well enables the formation of a button pushing arsenal . A battlefield, albeit without blood. The more intelligent the person, the more subtle button pushing becomes. Patterns of behavior that ultimately become the relationship core. Happiness, anger, frustration, venting..repeated over and over. Rational thought become difficult when love is involved
As the button-pushing build-up leads to blow-up, which eventually results in break-up, remorse often sets in. Followed by discussion and apologies and intimacy, the path back into the doomed relationship brings snippets of happiness followed by months afflicting anguish and torment. Patterns of destructive behavior develop.
After the final, proverbial, “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation, and resulting anger, both the Breakup-or and the Breakup-ee experience doubts, have longings for the “good times” . Feeble attempts are reconciliation lead nowhere.
Wondering how did it get to this point when we cared about each other so much at one time. Over time, those feelings will vacillate between anger, remorse, longing. Clinging to hope that perhaps somehow things might work out, they will come back and we will work it out.
Breakups are humbling. As you mention the most liberating feeling of all is when it is finally over, the relationship is now part of your memoirs. Another chapter in your evolving student of life story.
mzm