Did you ever have one of those moments where a thought, a notion, a task you taken on to ponder and master completely and absolutely overwhelms you?

A few months ago (my oh my time sure does zip by since it feels like only days ago) I got myself involved in being the DP for a mock documentary. This is a great learning experience and for what we’re doing I’m probably doing a pretty good job.

But I like to do a fucking amazing job if I can, so I’ve been reading books, studying movies, following a variety of cinematography websites to learn as much as quickly as I can.

You know what just happened today. I became overwhelmed. A moment of perfect clarity when you realize with absolute unwavering sureity that you have no clue happened to me.

I can talk a pretty good bullshit game using lots of jargon and cool sounding terms to imply that I know what I’m doing with a camera and as a DP and maybe even a director. Minutes ago I was following a long discussion on a cinematography forum and what those skilled professionals were talking about so was far above my level I felt like the aliens had landed and were trying to communicate the meaning of the universe in 527 part harmony using subsonic clicks and gaseous rumblings all the while pantomiming their message with a combination of Thai court dancing, chess, runway modelling, and American football.

I know it takes a lot of time to learn all that technical crap, for lack of a better word, but it’s the knowledge of a lack of knowledge that is maddening to me. Why can’t we learn like in The Matrix? Upload a little program and BAM you’re a spectacular cinematographer who can shoot a beautiful moment on screen and whip out a little kung fu on an uncooperative actor.

Speaking of uncooperative actors, a few weeks ago I heard a replay of an interview of Werner Herzog on NPR’s Fresh Air. Herzog described shooting Fitzcarraldo with the insane Klaus Kinski in the jungle. They were using natives as part of the action and as part of the crew. One time Kinski went into a rage and the natives all huddled together in a circle. When things calmed down Herzog and the leader of the tribe spoke about Kinski screaming for hours. Herzog tried to assure the leader that all was well. The leader said that they weren’t worried about Kinski, they were frightened by Herzog being so calm about the situation. Then they offered to kill Kinski. Herzog said he thought about it for a second then replied, “No, I still need him!”

This is a warning to all the actors out there. At any moment you could be slaughtered by annoyed tribesmen if the director takes them up on their offer to kill you for being a pain in the ass.

So anyway, I’m overwhelmed. I can’t seem to figure out how to get beautiful images from a video camera and it’s pissing me off. I’m a smart guy and I should be able to make this happen. It’s maddening, I tells ya.