Recycling old material while I wait for something new and exciting to happen in my head.

Last week, I was bored and the tip jar we have in the cafe was in need of some sprucing up so I wrote up a little story of how wonderful we were and how we’d use people’s money productively and creatively and with much aplomb too. The day I had it up the tips went down precipitously so it’s gone now but I still like the thing so here it is. If you want to donate money to the tip jar note I’ll split it up with my coworkers.

[note: Begging gets easier the more you do it. A few years ago...I couldn't have even typed those words. Now I'm constantly annoyed that people aren't throwing bales of cash at me in my sleep. Funny how you change.]

The Tip Jar

We’d like to thank all those who supported our endeavors during the past year. A video camera was procured, a beautiful healthy baby girl was born, a marriage was averted, a retirement didn’t happen (but there’s still hope!), Paul McCartney gave the manager vegan brownie recipes, and Elvis’ ghost was scared away by a noisy cat.

The hopes and goals for this year are similarly simple…

One employee wants a baby girl’s pink Adidas outfit and an electric guitar to keep her entertained.

Another employee wants a film crew and a budget to shoot a magical realist comedy buddy picture and he needs an amazing cinematographer because that stuff is hard and beyond his technical expertise at the moment. He’d like to shoot in Mexico, Milan, and Malaysia although he’d probably be just as happy with the west side of Tucson and a 60-year old Hispanic actor for a simple short.

One employee still wants to retire. She’s hoping for a beach retirement but would probably settle for the desert.

Another employee wants to finance research to recreate a discontinued Ben & Jerry’s flavor (remembered as oatmeal cookie stuff) and then make a lifetime supply of said amazing flavor.

One employee wants to meet his girlfriend in Japan. He’d also needs to find the girlfriend to meet there and a little money sure wouldn’t hurt.

Another employee wants a 1955 Chevy pickup painted in vibrant colors but would probably settle for the check engine light in her car going off permanently without the use of a hammer.

The manager has simple needs and only wants a new mattress because he wakes up stiff.

Thank you for any help you can offer in making these humble dreams come true.

Don’t you just want to heap gobs of steaming cash on my naked body right now after reading that? I would. Fuck if I saw something like that in a restaurant I’d toss in $10 and I have no money. People need to be more easily amused I think.