…for the good of yourself and your loved ones.

I’m not sure what reminded me of this right now, some vague thought while reading about macroeconomic policy or super-16 film making or something equally odd, some weird fleeting connection that lead to billions of other connections that lead me to a memory that reminded me of a most important lesson I learned a few years ago while cooking for a woman who really didn’t appreciate the effort…especially that fucking day.

It was a day like any other. I was cooking, cooking something SPICY as I have a tendency to do when I’m in a wild and randy mood, and had been cutting jalapeno peppers. Lots of jalapeno peppers.

That wonderful warm spicy hot feeling they produce is caused by capsaicin. That chemical gets on your hands while you’re cutting peppers but since the skin on your hands is fairly hardy, what with having to cope with all the trials and tribulations of the world, you don’t feel it at all. You just cut some fucking peppers and you’re done.

Now here’s the moral of the story, never ever ever never ever ever, cut a bunch of hot peppers and then go to the bathroom.

The skin on your penis is infinitely more sensitive than the skin on your hands. [note: Assuming you are a man. Women adjust advice accordingly.]

The curious thing about that skin though is that you don’t feel it immediately. You whip it out, you pee, and about the time you’re washing your hands you start to notice a sensation…hey that’s odd…OH THE BURNING THE BURNING OH SWEET JESUS ON A POGOSTICK IN THE SINAI!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!!!

That’s about when you remember the past and you say out loud, with much resignation and lamentation…jalapenos.

And that’s when you put your dick in the sink to try to save yourself.

It doesn’t work though. You have to sit through the burning and appreciate life just a little bit more than you used to. At least, that portion of life when your gonads weren’t feeling like they were dipped in molten lead!

So always remember boys and girls, wash your goddamn hands before you go to the bathroom.

Especially if you cook. Or pepper spray protesters for a living.